Home away from home

Sorry for the long dry spell. Not much is happening, still waiting for the weather to make up its mind. So with all the rainy afternoons I had much time to contemplate the life of an expat in China. There seem to be three major types - the kids who come here to learn Chinese because their university requires it (very common among the British), the adventurous know-it-all-better individualists (mostly the Germans, and yes, I own up to that) and the clueless wish-it-was-different complainers (mostly Americans).

The first type just wants to have as much fun as possible, they stay among themselves, party every night and will go home with a miserable knowledge of Chinese language and no clue about Chinese culture. But they don't really mind, they never saw themselves as cultural ambassadors in the first place. They also like to pick up Chinese girlfriends in expat bars with whom they never properly learn to communicate ("it's less effort to stick it out with her now than breaking up," overheard in my class) and complain that those girls are only interested in shopping. Well, let me see... maybe the less shallow girls don't hook up with people they can't talk to?

The second type is very hostile to all the other foreigners and kind of pissed that they all stole "their" idea of going to China and robbed them of the opportunity to be the only China-insider. Most of all they hate the other foreigners for creating the "foreigner image" that Chinese have, which they are then forced to comply with. This group does not appreciate the "special foreigner treatment," as well intended as it is (e.g. my Kung Fu teacher wanted to put me in a red silk pyjama, whereas all the others wear white, because I'm "special"), they just want to fit in, be one of the Chinese and understand the culture by living in it. This comes at the price of ridiculing themselves from time to time and a sophistication of snobbishness :) It also seems to create those China-lovers who have almost more sympathy for the Chinese government than the Chinese people themselves...

The third type is probably the worst. They just don't have any clue that it could be different. They want to learn about Chinese culture but never actually manage to have a meaningful conversation with the local people. So they just go by what they hear from other type-three people and still rely on their home country's news. They live in a bubble that their school/employer creates for them and whereas type one doesn't care to venture out of it, they are simply not aware of their ignorance. They can endlessly discuss about China at their little closed-circle expat parties but don't realize that they keep going in circles - they just tell each other stories that comply with their original stereotypes and so keep reinforcing those stereotypes.

All in all, we're probably all screwed up one way or another. I do have the impression though, that the Chinese government doesn't actually want type two foreigners. I guess they're too unpredictable, harder to control and might ask too many questions. Type three is the best, because they believe what they are fed, stay in their assigned housing and spend their significant salary at Starbuck's and Pizza Hut. They will go home telling everyone what you can read in the Chinese textbook - Chinese do Tai Chi in the morning, Shanghai is amazingly sophisticated, the people in the countryside are still poor but overall happy. Yawn.

Since I've done this "go abroad with just a couple of suitcases" a few times (n=4 and counting ;)) now, I have come up with my personal checklist to "feel home away from home" - not that I think it very likely anyone who reads this will actually profit from my thoughts... but what the heck, it's my blog :)

1. Stay away from the other expats! (you saw that coming, didn't you?) Yes, it's a nice opportunity to meet people from all over the world, but why would you want to see, say, China through the eyes of a, say, Brazilian? Once you have found local friends, you can hang out with the other expats (and enjoy the smug feeling of knowing more about your new home than they do), but trust me, I've seen it over and over again - if you let yourself be sucked into the expat crowd, you won't get out of it. It also easily turns into a complainers' club, the conversation often only circles around what you miss. Which brings me to the second point:

2. Adapt! Change your habits! If you try to stick to doing things you've always done, you will just get frustrated, because this new country doesn't work like the one you're used to (and you'll just isolate yourself from the locals). For example, nightlife in China simply isn't the same as in Europe or North America. And that's not because China is "lagging behind." Most Chinese people simply don't see the appeal of getting shit-faced till 3am in a smoky bar. They rather go to bed early and get up at 7 to play a round of basketball before school. Another aspect of this is food - why spend a fortune on really bad western food when there is decent Chinese food around the corner? Yes, we all develop our cravings for a sandwich, but the reaction I hear from almost everyone is "nah, it's just not like the real thing" So, give up eating second-rate copies in an attempt to chase the real thing, which you won't find. Go chase new things! (I know I'm guilty of not giving up coffee myself, but maybe we have to make concessions for addictions :)) I think you will find that by changing your habits (e.g. eat at the same time the locals do, eat where the locals do, hang out where the locals do) you will get more of a sense of fitting in and increase your chances of making friends. (Instead of joining your language school's Taijiquan class you could join a club where Chinese go)

3. Create your own space! Even if you'll only be in this place for a year or two - give up the notion of it being temporary! I've seen so many people who live in their ready-furnished apartments and never feel at home there (moreover complain about all the things I had to buy and they just get for free). If something breaks, they have no incentive to fix it up because it's not really theirs, and because they have all the basics they don't feel compelled to go out and buy things to make it more homey (in China the first thing you want to get are a few nice lamps, because all apartments come with fluorescent neon lights). And do it in the first couple of months. If you drag it out any longer, you get used to the state of things and you get used to the temporary feeling. You might not notice it, but the uncomfortable feeling of not being at home will creep into your bones and stay there.

4. Don't give up and keep trying! Your first attempts at befriending locals will probably not turn out so well (and I'd discourage you from hooking up with the nice girl working in the coffee shop with the flawless English ;)) But try to stick it out. You'll be amazed, but I'm sure you'll find people you click with, no matter in which country you are.

5. Don't procrastinate! Now is the time to go buy some things to decorate your place with or join a local sports/music/whatever group, not tomorrow or next week! You can watch this youtube video or hang out on facebook any time!

6. Be ready to laugh about yourself :)

This was a bit provocative on purpose - I know at least one Italian living in Vancouver (who actually sent me some books! Thanks! :D) who does not go by these rules - he's still chasing his parmigiano and is frustrated by the lack of a decent (by Italian standards) nightlife. So, I'd appreciate any feedback from other "globetrotters for a living"